Patience

I am not sure if I mentioned this before, but this is my first "real" relationship. When I was 19, I dated a guy for 6 months but it was a messy and chaotic relationship. I was not ready to be involved and I was a messy. If you compared the 19 yo relationship to the 26 yo relationship, it seems like night and day.

I feel safe, supported, and challenged. I enjoy spending time with him. There is a part of me (let's be honest, about 1/3 of me) wants to just move in with him right now. The rest of me now that 1) the first 6 months- 3 years of a relationship is fueled by hormones 2) that leap means a bigger commitment than I am willing to make. But I do enjoy the time we spend together.

Recently, I read a book called "He's Just Not Your Type" by Andrea Syratash (http://www.andreasyrtash.com/) and it was the right book at the right time. It made me realize several things about Jay that I was uncertain about are things that are not relevant. I like how I am just "me" when I am around him and nobody else - I never experienced that before. I can be funny, silly, inquisitive, and slightly inappropriate and it is just dandy. I push myself emotional with him - if I am feeling vulnerable, I express that. If I react poorly because of my insecurities, I explain it to him. Not as an excuse, but in a way to help him understand the baggage that I have yet to unpack. Right now, there is more positive to "us" than negative. However, there are a few things that are floating around in the back of my mind.


1) Self Awareness
For lack of a better word. I have a natural self-inquiring nature about me. And I try to engage with him all these questions I have about us and things in general. He is not like that. When I ask him questions, he gets quiet and stumped. He does not ponder about things. He never has. He says he just goes with the flow. No self-reflection, no self-inquiry. It seems directionless to me. I am worried (eyeroll) that if he does not engage in some form of self-reflection or self-inquiry, we will evolved and grow in different directions.

2) Money
Right now, he makes more than me (btw, I got that raise...I am in the mid-40s baby!) but in a few years I could be doubling, even tripling his salary. How am I going to feel about that. What if I bring in 100K and he makes $35K will I feel resentful? Will I be angry? But for some reason, if he was making $50K, I feel like I would be more comfortable with that. I think, for me, $50K as a salary is reasonable and acceptable and $35K I associated with unambitious and a slacker.
The plus side his, he could by my Mife.....(man-wife) and look after the kids. Now, that is an entertaining idea. :) I know that our relationship may not even reach that level, but it is still floating in the back of my mind.

3) Can I marry my first love?
I am falling for James more and more. I am not fully, officially "in love" but if/when I am, he will be my first love. Can I marry my first love? That seems so illogical. It seems like he should be a learning experience and maybe my 2nd, 3rd, 4th b/f will be my husband. But I found everything that I am looking for, than why not? The number loving side of my brain is just not letting this one fly. Then again, its only been 5 months and we have not passed the test of time. In 2 years, 3 years, we'll decided. So for now, having the logical side of my brain act as queen is perfectly fine......for now. This is my life. I will live it as I see fit.

That is it really. The next big question I have (about relationships) is when to move in. Do I move in with a guy because I feel like it? When I am engaged? After 1 year? 2 years? 5 years? After I get married. I don't need a hard and fast rule, but I feel like moving in should signify a bigger commitment and marriage and living our lives together is a real possibility. With Jay, the earliest possible date is November 2011 (which is over a year away). I refuse to move in before writing the UFE. I think it is too much of a gamble to even deal with. After I write the UFE next September (or after I pass?), then moving in together can be a possibility. I do have to say, it makes me smile that Jay said he does think about it - what it would be like for us to live together.

Ok, time for CASB. The bittersweet love of my life....ah CASB.