I think I am putting myself in a conflicted position. There is this co-worker that I am drawn to. I find him interesting and funny. I can joke with him and be silly. But I am having a hard time determining if it is platonic or not platonic.
If it is platonic, I think he would turn out to be a great friend. Someone I can trust.
If it is not platonic, then I need to stay away from him for fear of trespassing over the bounds of my relationship with Jay. I think I will pursue him as a friend and see where it goes from there. Ok. I feel better about this!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Owning my Goals
I get a daily email from Brad Pilon and today's advice is a goody - owning your goals.
To reference what he wrote at http://bradpilon.com/weight-loss/how-to-get-an-awesome-body/
"Because the only way to truly get an awesome body is by defining what an “awesome body’ means to YOU.
Do you want to be shredded OR do you want to run marathons?
Do you want to be thin OR do you want to weigh 115 pounds?
You have to really narrow in on your goals.
Then you have to OWN them.
If your number one health and fitness desire is to have a big bench press…when someone retorts with “yeah, but what can you squat?” you need to be 100% comfortable with the following answer:
I don’t care.
Because these are YOUR goals no theirs."
This is my attempt at owning my goals. And these are not my short-term goals, these are my forever and ever goals.
1. 20% body fat
2. BMI under 24
3. Ability to do a difficult, 8 hour hike
4. Ability to run a 10km in 40 minutes
5. Ability to run a 5km in 20 minutes
6. Defined arms
7. Defined abs
8. Defined butt
9. Cellulite free quads
10. Size 10 or smaller
These are my goals in order of priority. It is actually quite empowering. Yippee!!!
To reference what he wrote at http://bradpilon.com/weight-loss/how-to-get-an-awesome-body/
"Because the only way to truly get an awesome body is by defining what an “awesome body’ means to YOU.
Do you want to be shredded OR do you want to run marathons?
Do you want to be thin OR do you want to weigh 115 pounds?
You have to really narrow in on your goals.
Then you have to OWN them.
If your number one health and fitness desire is to have a big bench press…when someone retorts with “yeah, but what can you squat?” you need to be 100% comfortable with the following answer:
I don’t care.
Because these are YOUR goals no theirs."
This is my attempt at owning my goals. And these are not my short-term goals, these are my forever and ever goals.
1. 20% body fat
2. BMI under 24
3. Ability to do a difficult, 8 hour hike
4. Ability to run a 10km in 40 minutes
5. Ability to run a 5km in 20 minutes
6. Defined arms
7. Defined abs
8. Defined butt
9. Cellulite free quads
10. Size 10 or smaller
These are my goals in order of priority. It is actually quite empowering. Yippee!!!
Friday, September 10, 2010
Break Down - Rise Up
Thursday afternoon at work:
Some people just push my buttons. A co-worker (we use to be friends) asked me “what are you working for Abby on?” and I was curious why he was curious, so I asked him why. And then he gave me this awful face. Like he just smelled pooh. So him, my actual friend, and a few other people for some reason I think of them as the popular kids and I feel excluded. I feel like the awkward geek being left out of the “cool club”. The fact that I feel that pisses me off as it is. I am really more mad at myself that I feel that way. Left out. Why do I care? I know what in my childhood triggers this but I don’t know how to move past it. How to evolve past it. Right now I am seething with anger and I am on the verge of tears and I just cannot keep dealing with my over the top feelings that are centered around feeling left out or left behind.
Thursday evening after work:
On my way home from work, I mentally started to fall apart. The negative thoughts in my had flared up and I felt like I cannot do this anymore. I cannot deal with my negativity any more. I am tired. It is mentally and emotionally draining. When I got home I was in tears. I was sobbing. The type of sobbing where it feels like you are drowning and all you can do is try and gulp for air. I thought of running from my feelings and into the arms of food, but I decided I would face my feelings head on. One of these days I would have to. I would have to acknowledge myself for what I am. It was hard, but I felt like I was preparing for this day for a long time. If it was a test, I hope I passed.
I decided Thursday night, from that point forward I will do everything in my power to be positive. To be rational and find ways to connect with people. How I was living has not served me. There is room for serious improvement. I choose love. I choose affection. I choose positivity. I choose life. I choose me.
I broke down, but now I feel like I am rising up.
Some people just push my buttons. A co-worker (we use to be friends) asked me “what are you working for Abby on?” and I was curious why he was curious, so I asked him why. And then he gave me this awful face. Like he just smelled pooh. So him, my actual friend, and a few other people for some reason I think of them as the popular kids and I feel excluded. I feel like the awkward geek being left out of the “cool club”. The fact that I feel that pisses me off as it is. I am really more mad at myself that I feel that way. Left out. Why do I care? I know what in my childhood triggers this but I don’t know how to move past it. How to evolve past it. Right now I am seething with anger and I am on the verge of tears and I just cannot keep dealing with my over the top feelings that are centered around feeling left out or left behind.
Thursday evening after work:
On my way home from work, I mentally started to fall apart. The negative thoughts in my had flared up and I felt like I cannot do this anymore. I cannot deal with my negativity any more. I am tired. It is mentally and emotionally draining. When I got home I was in tears. I was sobbing. The type of sobbing where it feels like you are drowning and all you can do is try and gulp for air. I thought of running from my feelings and into the arms of food, but I decided I would face my feelings head on. One of these days I would have to. I would have to acknowledge myself for what I am. It was hard, but I felt like I was preparing for this day for a long time. If it was a test, I hope I passed.
I decided Thursday night, from that point forward I will do everything in my power to be positive. To be rational and find ways to connect with people. How I was living has not served me. There is room for serious improvement. I choose love. I choose affection. I choose positivity. I choose life. I choose me.
I broke down, but now I feel like I am rising up.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Patience
I am not sure if I mentioned this before, but this is my first "real" relationship. When I was 19, I dated a guy for 6 months but it was a messy and chaotic relationship. I was not ready to be involved and I was a messy. If you compared the 19 yo relationship to the 26 yo relationship, it seems like night and day.
I feel safe, supported, and challenged. I enjoy spending time with him. There is a part of me (let's be honest, about 1/3 of me) wants to just move in with him right now. The rest of me now that 1) the first 6 months- 3 years of a relationship is fueled by hormones 2) that leap means a bigger commitment than I am willing to make. But I do enjoy the time we spend together.
Recently, I read a book called "He's Just Not Your Type" by Andrea Syratash (http://www.andreasyrtash.com/) and it was the right book at the right time. It made me realize several things about Jay that I was uncertain about are things that are not relevant. I like how I am just "me" when I am around him and nobody else - I never experienced that before. I can be funny, silly, inquisitive, and slightly inappropriate and it is just dandy. I push myself emotional with him - if I am feeling vulnerable, I express that. If I react poorly because of my insecurities, I explain it to him. Not as an excuse, but in a way to help him understand the baggage that I have yet to unpack. Right now, there is more positive to "us" than negative. However, there are a few things that are floating around in the back of my mind.
1) Self Awareness
For lack of a better word. I have a natural self-inquiring nature about me. And I try to engage with him all these questions I have about us and things in general. He is not like that. When I ask him questions, he gets quiet and stumped. He does not ponder about things. He never has. He says he just goes with the flow. No self-reflection, no self-inquiry. It seems directionless to me. I am worried (eyeroll) that if he does not engage in some form of self-reflection or self-inquiry, we will evolved and grow in different directions.
2) Money
Right now, he makes more than me (btw, I got that raise...I am in the mid-40s baby!) but in a few years I could be doubling, even tripling his salary. How am I going to feel about that. What if I bring in 100K and he makes $35K will I feel resentful? Will I be angry? But for some reason, if he was making $50K, I feel like I would be more comfortable with that. I think, for me, $50K as a salary is reasonable and acceptable and $35K I associated with unambitious and a slacker.
The plus side his, he could by my Mife.....(man-wife) and look after the kids. Now, that is an entertaining idea. :) I know that our relationship may not even reach that level, but it is still floating in the back of my mind.
3) Can I marry my first love?
I am falling for James more and more. I am not fully, officially "in love" but if/when I am, he will be my first love. Can I marry my first love? That seems so illogical. It seems like he should be a learning experience and maybe my 2nd, 3rd, 4th b/f will be my husband. But I found everything that I am looking for, than why not? The number loving side of my brain is just not letting this one fly. Then again, its only been 5 months and we have not passed the test of time. In 2 years, 3 years, we'll decided. So for now, having the logical side of my brain act as queen is perfectly fine......for now. This is my life. I will live it as I see fit.
That is it really. The next big question I have (about relationships) is when to move in. Do I move in with a guy because I feel like it? When I am engaged? After 1 year? 2 years? 5 years? After I get married. I don't need a hard and fast rule, but I feel like moving in should signify a bigger commitment and marriage and living our lives together is a real possibility. With Jay, the earliest possible date is November 2011 (which is over a year away). I refuse to move in before writing the UFE. I think it is too much of a gamble to even deal with. After I write the UFE next September (or after I pass?), then moving in together can be a possibility. I do have to say, it makes me smile that Jay said he does think about it - what it would be like for us to live together.
Ok, time for CASB. The bittersweet love of my life....ah CASB.
I feel safe, supported, and challenged. I enjoy spending time with him. There is a part of me (let's be honest, about 1/3 of me) wants to just move in with him right now. The rest of me now that 1) the first 6 months- 3 years of a relationship is fueled by hormones 2) that leap means a bigger commitment than I am willing to make. But I do enjoy the time we spend together.
Recently, I read a book called "He's Just Not Your Type" by Andrea Syratash (http://www.andreasyrtash.com/) and it was the right book at the right time. It made me realize several things about Jay that I was uncertain about are things that are not relevant. I like how I am just "me" when I am around him and nobody else - I never experienced that before. I can be funny, silly, inquisitive, and slightly inappropriate and it is just dandy. I push myself emotional with him - if I am feeling vulnerable, I express that. If I react poorly because of my insecurities, I explain it to him. Not as an excuse, but in a way to help him understand the baggage that I have yet to unpack. Right now, there is more positive to "us" than negative. However, there are a few things that are floating around in the back of my mind.
1) Self Awareness
For lack of a better word. I have a natural self-inquiring nature about me. And I try to engage with him all these questions I have about us and things in general. He is not like that. When I ask him questions, he gets quiet and stumped. He does not ponder about things. He never has. He says he just goes with the flow. No self-reflection, no self-inquiry. It seems directionless to me. I am worried (eyeroll) that if he does not engage in some form of self-reflection or self-inquiry, we will evolved and grow in different directions.
2) Money
Right now, he makes more than me (btw, I got that raise...I am in the mid-40s baby!) but in a few years I could be doubling, even tripling his salary. How am I going to feel about that. What if I bring in 100K and he makes $35K will I feel resentful? Will I be angry? But for some reason, if he was making $50K, I feel like I would be more comfortable with that. I think, for me, $50K as a salary is reasonable and acceptable and $35K I associated with unambitious and a slacker.
The plus side his, he could by my Mife.....(man-wife) and look after the kids. Now, that is an entertaining idea. :) I know that our relationship may not even reach that level, but it is still floating in the back of my mind.
3) Can I marry my first love?
I am falling for James more and more. I am not fully, officially "in love" but if/when I am, he will be my first love. Can I marry my first love? That seems so illogical. It seems like he should be a learning experience and maybe my 2nd, 3rd, 4th b/f will be my husband. But I found everything that I am looking for, than why not? The number loving side of my brain is just not letting this one fly. Then again, its only been 5 months and we have not passed the test of time. In 2 years, 3 years, we'll decided. So for now, having the logical side of my brain act as queen is perfectly fine......for now. This is my life. I will live it as I see fit.
That is it really. The next big question I have (about relationships) is when to move in. Do I move in with a guy because I feel like it? When I am engaged? After 1 year? 2 years? 5 years? After I get married. I don't need a hard and fast rule, but I feel like moving in should signify a bigger commitment and marriage and living our lives together is a real possibility. With Jay, the earliest possible date is November 2011 (which is over a year away). I refuse to move in before writing the UFE. I think it is too much of a gamble to even deal with. After I write the UFE next September (or after I pass?), then moving in together can be a possibility. I do have to say, it makes me smile that Jay said he does think about it - what it would be like for us to live together.
Ok, time for CASB. The bittersweet love of my life....ah CASB.
Sept 8:Mind Block
I woke up this morning more refreshed than I usually am after a night at the b/f’s place. The bed is old and sags in odd places so he got a few pieces of wood to correct the bad. Surprise, surprise it worked!
This morning I woke up refreshed and but tired. Not physically tired, buy mentally tired.d Although I am pleased that I did not gain anything last week, this morning I started to wear my self down about. ”What if you body starts adapting to your workouts, what if you are not pushing yourself enough, what if you stop losing, what if, what if……” Sometimes I am my biggest cheerleader and sometimes I am my biggest critic. During my workout I just keep telling myself “you only have to lose one more pound, you only have to do one more rep, you only have to do one my workout”. My critic starts spewing and I started to feel defeated, I just boil things down to “one more” because, in this moment all I have to worry about is doing one more rep.
I finished my workout and I felt good. I was glad I did not skip. I know I am close to where I started to plateau (or where my good habits started to deteriorate) but all I have to focus on is losing one more pound. Not 10 lbs, not 20 lbs, not 56 lbs, just one more pound.
That I can handle.
Especially after I had tortilla chips as an “after work snack” (eyeroll), scalloped potatoes and a little bit of wine last night at a dinner party. I did have salad and fish and strawberries! I just had some other stuff too. I know this journey is not about being “perfect” it is about living in a healthier manner. And all I have to work about, food wise, is one more meal.
Just one more. :) Take that mind block.
This morning I woke up refreshed and but tired. Not physically tired, buy mentally tired.d Although I am pleased that I did not gain anything last week, this morning I started to wear my self down about. ”What if you body starts adapting to your workouts, what if you are not pushing yourself enough, what if you stop losing, what if, what if……” Sometimes I am my biggest cheerleader and sometimes I am my biggest critic. During my workout I just keep telling myself “you only have to lose one more pound, you only have to do one more rep, you only have to do one my workout”. My critic starts spewing and I started to feel defeated, I just boil things down to “one more” because, in this moment all I have to worry about is doing one more rep.
I finished my workout and I felt good. I was glad I did not skip. I know I am close to where I started to plateau (or where my good habits started to deteriorate) but all I have to focus on is losing one more pound. Not 10 lbs, not 20 lbs, not 56 lbs, just one more pound.
That I can handle.
Especially after I had tortilla chips as an “after work snack” (eyeroll), scalloped potatoes and a little bit of wine last night at a dinner party. I did have salad and fish and strawberries! I just had some other stuff too. I know this journey is not about being “perfect” it is about living in a healthier manner. And all I have to work about, food wise, is one more meal.
Just one more. :) Take that mind block.
Sept 6: The Plan
This is my workout plan
1) Run three times a week. I am training for an 8km which is 5 weeks away, over the Canadian Thanksgiving long weekend.
2) Strength train 3 time a week for 9o mins a week. I have recently upped that to 90 mins from 60 mins a week.
3) Intermittent fasting. I try to have an 8 hour feeding window. I follow the advice of http://www.leangains.com/2010/04/leangains-guide.html. Eating two meals a day has mentally freed up my mind about food (to a certain extent). I know the idea of “skipping meals” can be controversial but so far it has been working for me.
1) Run three times a week. I am training for an 8km which is 5 weeks away, over the Canadian Thanksgiving long weekend.
2) Strength train 3 time a week for 9o mins a week. I have recently upped that to 90 mins from 60 mins a week.
3) Intermittent fasting. I try to have an 8 hour feeding window. I follow the advice of http://www.leangains.com/2010/04/leangains-guide.html. Eating two meals a day has mentally freed up my mind about food (to a certain extent). I know the idea of “skipping meals” can be controversial but so far it has been working for me.
Sept 7: Yeah
I had a enjoyable long weekend - I turned into a cookie monster. The b/f made these delicious flourless chocolate and peanut butter cookies for a bbq we went to on Saturday. And there were extra left over cookies and I turned into a cookie monster. And I had pancakes and bacon for breakfast on sunday. And nachos. You see where I am going with this?
I ate a bit more than I should have this weekend and with today being weigh in day, I was worried what the end result might be. But I stayed the same as last week! Yes! Really, that is all I could hope for. I think my efforts of still eating 7 servings of fruits and veggies a day and walking on my non-workout days helped to keep me on track. And I am back on track this week.
I feel relieved. I am still 191.2
I ate a bit more than I should have this weekend and with today being weigh in day, I was worried what the end result might be. But I stayed the same as last week! Yes! Really, that is all I could hope for. I think my efforts of still eating 7 servings of fruits and veggies a day and walking on my non-workout days helped to keep me on track. And I am back on track this week.
I feel relieved. I am still 191.2
Sept 6: Beginning
From 3fc
ept 6:
After this long weekend, I thought a blog in addition to my message board posts would help express myself and keep myself accountable.
So welcome. Enjoy. I hope my journey will help you with yours.
About me. I am a 26 year old working at an accounting firm. I am working towards an accounting designation, live in a fairly new city (I’ve been here for one year) and I am in a fairly new relationship (Saturday will be our 5 month anniversary).
I had a lovely weekend, but my eating got a little out of control - I enjoyed myself! But I am coming close to the point where I have stalled in the past. And I think this weekend was my way of rebelling, I think.
As a result, I decided to start this blog. Track my progress and give me an outlet for those emotional times.
So my journey begins.
ept 6:
After this long weekend, I thought a blog in addition to my message board posts would help express myself and keep myself accountable.
So welcome. Enjoy. I hope my journey will help you with yours.
About me. I am a 26 year old working at an accounting firm. I am working towards an accounting designation, live in a fairly new city (I’ve been here for one year) and I am in a fairly new relationship (Saturday will be our 5 month anniversary).
I had a lovely weekend, but my eating got a little out of control - I enjoyed myself! But I am coming close to the point where I have stalled in the past. And I think this weekend was my way of rebelling, I think.
As a result, I decided to start this blog. Track my progress and give me an outlet for those emotional times.
So my journey begins.
3fc
Hellloooooooooo. It has been a while.
I started posting on 3fc.com (3 fat chicks). I will just double up my posts, that way I can talk about things besides weight loss on here as well. I'll so repost for the past few entries at http://www.3fatchicks.com/diet-blogs/onemore/
I started posting on 3fc.com (3 fat chicks). I will just double up my posts, that way I can talk about things besides weight loss on here as well. I'll so repost for the past few entries at http://www.3fatchicks.com/diet-blogs/onemore/
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