Thursday afternoon at work:
Some people just push my buttons. A co-worker (we use to be friends) asked me “what are you working for Abby on?” and I was curious why he was curious, so I asked him why. And then he gave me this awful face. Like he just smelled pooh. So him, my actual friend, and a few other people for some reason I think of them as the popular kids and I feel excluded. I feel like the awkward geek being left out of the “cool club”. The fact that I feel that pisses me off as it is. I am really more mad at myself that I feel that way. Left out. Why do I care? I know what in my childhood triggers this but I don’t know how to move past it. How to evolve past it. Right now I am seething with anger and I am on the verge of tears and I just cannot keep dealing with my over the top feelings that are centered around feeling left out or left behind.
Thursday evening after work:
On my way home from work, I mentally started to fall apart. The negative thoughts in my had flared up and I felt like I cannot do this anymore. I cannot deal with my negativity any more. I am tired. It is mentally and emotionally draining. When I got home I was in tears. I was sobbing. The type of sobbing where it feels like you are drowning and all you can do is try and gulp for air. I thought of running from my feelings and into the arms of food, but I decided I would face my feelings head on. One of these days I would have to. I would have to acknowledge myself for what I am. It was hard, but I felt like I was preparing for this day for a long time. If it was a test, I hope I passed.
I decided Thursday night, from that point forward I will do everything in my power to be positive. To be rational and find ways to connect with people. How I was living has not served me. There is room for serious improvement. I choose love. I choose affection. I choose positivity. I choose life. I choose me.
I broke down, but now I feel like I am rising up.
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